ADOLESCENT CHILD SPECIALTY SERVICES
8336 Office Park Drive, Douglasville, GA 30134
404-310-1161
by Rebecca S. Blakeman, Ph.D.
The Stubborn, Oppositional Child
At some point in a young child's life, they will behave in a stubborn, oppositional manner. That is perfectly normal. It is their way of testing the limits...their way of trying to figure out exactly what we, as parents, expect of them. For most children, this stubborn behavior occurs in only a small number of situations, and does not cause long-term problems. For other children, however, these behaviors can persist and create problems that interfere with family harmony, developing friendships, and succeeding in school.
Though every child will assert their independence in inappropriate ways from time to time, it is extremely important that parents address every situation as if it has the POTENTIAL for becoming a larger problem. Too many times parents try to "choose their battles" and inadvertently teach their children to become MORE stubborn and MORE oppositional. Parents should not avoid addressing these behaviors because they believe it is a "phase" or that it will eventually go away on it's own. If handled improperly, these behaviors will only worsen over time.
Before addressing how to manage these behaviors, it is important to address some of the possible reasons for the behavior. Children may act out in a stubborn, oppositional way for many reasons.
1. When stubborn behavior has become chronic, it is often because it works for the child. If a child is told to clean his/her own room, but the parents eventually end up cleaning it because the child never gets around to it, there is no reason for the child to comply. Most children would rather play than do chores...and if ignoring their chores means someone else will eventually do it for them, the only smart choice in that situation is NOT to do the chores.
2. Many children become chronically oppositional because they are living a life of chaos. Parental conflict, divorce, absent parents, abuse, schedules that are overbooked can all increase the chances that children will become oppositional.
3. Some children appear oppositional, but in reality are doing the best they can. Certain learning problems can interfere with a child's ability to understand and follow directions. They may be trying their very best, but continually misunderstanding the instructions given to them.
4. A minority of children will be chronically oppositional as a result of serious mental health problems (depression, antisocial tendencies, developmental delays, etc.).
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
1. Provide a consistent, structured environment with consequences that follow naturally for appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Reinforcing the good behavior is just as important, if not more so, than trying to "punish" the inappropriate behavior.
2. Set rules and stick to them.
3. Re-evaluate whether you may accidentally be teaching your child to disobey. No parent willingly teaches their child to develop behavior problems...but it can happen by accident.
4. Reduce chaos in a child's life. It is every parent's responsibility to provide a safe, secure environment for their child that is free of abuse and conflict. The home environment should be nurturing, with plenty of time spent enjoying each other's company (versus running from obligation to obligation).
5. Have your child evaluated by a psychologist at school or in the community to determine if learning problems or serious mental health issues are causing your child's behavior problems. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH TREATMENT RECOMMENDATIONS based on the professional evaluation.